it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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