I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
