I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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