Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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