my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
