I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
