Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
