Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
