My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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