your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
