I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
