I wish my penis had an off switch
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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