who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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