I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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