I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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