I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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