If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He shit in the fireplace
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
