when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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