If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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