im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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