There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
