the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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