I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
sex in a hospital.. check
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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