a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
