all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
