just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
