How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
