Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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