we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize