mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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