and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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