and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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