I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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