i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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