He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Life is so much better after having sex.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
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I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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