he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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