I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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