how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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