i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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