fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
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Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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