At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
