But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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