I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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