i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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