What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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