My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
