I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
