you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
