All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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