I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
