yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
