seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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