When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
