Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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