I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
